(as heard on the 4/27/96 "A Prairie Home Companion")
A guy walks into a restaurant. He looks at the menu and asks the waitress, "How are your chickens prepared?" She goes to talk to the cook and he comes out, wiping his hands on his apron. "Oh, we don't do much, we tell them they're about to die."
A cowboy walked into a saloon, walked up to the bar, sat down and ordered whiskey. Just as he was about to take his first sip, a feller comes running in shouting, "Joe, Joe! Your house is on fire!"

The cowboy rushes out of the bar and is just about to jump on his horse when he slows down and thinks, "Hey, I don't have no house!" He walks back in and sits down and is just about to take that sip when another feller comes running into the saloon shouting, "Joe, Joe! Your father's dyin'!"

He rushes out of the bar, jumps on his horse and is riding down the street, when he slows down, and thinks, "Hey, I don't have a father!" He gets all sat down again and is just about to take a sip of that whiskey when a third feller comes running in, shouting, "Joe, Joe! You just won the lottery. Thar's a million dollars sittin' down at the post office in your name.!"

He rushes out, jumps on his horse and is just about down to the post office when he slows down and says, "Wait a minute, my name ain't Joe!"

Q: What's green & hangs from trees?
A: Giraffe snot
A man goes into a shop to buy a car radio. The salesman says, "This is the latest, a voice activated radio." This sounds like a good idea so the man buys it, has it installed and starts driving. He's in traffic, decides to test the radio so he says "Classical". On comes a Mozart symphony on the local public station. After a while he says "Country!". The radio switches to a Country & Western station and he listens to a Garth Brooks song. Suddenly a car cuts him off--the man hollers "STUPID!!!!". On comes Rush Limbaugh.
A guy takes his car to a garage. The mechanic lifts up the hood and looks inside. The man asks for a rough opinion. The mechanic kicks him in the shin and says "$400." The man says, "Hey, that wasn't nice! I want a second opinion!" The mechanic looks at him and says "You're ugly!"
Q: Why doesn't an elephant pick its nose?
A: Where are you going to hide a 30 pound booger?
An old man from nursing home is being pushed in a wheelchair by Albert the nurse. As they walk a seagull flies overhead and sure enough, Plop! right on the head of the old man. Albert the nurse says, "You wait right here--I'll run up and get the toilet paper." The old man says "What's the point? By the time you get back, that bird will be long gone.!"
A doctor has a stressful practice. To help with the tension of his work he always stops at a bar and has Dick the bartender mix him an almond dacquiri after work. Every day, just one drink. One day Dick notices it's almost time for the good doctor to arrive and he's out of almonds. The only kind of nut he has is a hickory nut. Well, maybe Doc won't notice if I make his drink with hickory just this once!

The doctor arrives on time and Dick hands him his drink. He takes a sip, makes a grimace, and says, "Is this an almond dacquiri, Dick?" "No, that's a hickory dacquiri, Doc."

A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer are arguing about which is in the older profession. The doctor says, "On the 5th day God took a rib out of Adam's side, so He was obviously a surgeon." The engineer says, "God created the world out of chaos, so He must have been an engineer." The lawyer says, "Yeah, but who created the chaos?"
Three nurses die and appear before St. Peter. The saint says to the first nurse, "And what did you do in your life?"

She says, "I worked for 35 years in an emergency room. It was difficult and stressful." St. Peter says, "OK, you can go in."

The second nurse says, "I worked for 20 years in a hospice. It's depressing because everybody dies." St. Peter says "All right, you can go in."

The third nurse says, "I've worked for 10 years as a managed care nurse for an HMO." St Peter pulls out a computer & calculator, and spends 5 minutes working with pencils and facts and figures. He says, "I can approve you for 5 days in heaven."

Q: What do you get when you cross a Unitarian and a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Somebody walking around knocking on doors for no apparent reason.
A farmer comes into the local newspaper office during the depression. "I can't afford to renew my subscription for this coming year, but I wonder if you'd be willing to barter for a subscription?" The newspaper owner thinks a bit and says, "OK, I'm willing to trade a load of corn cobs for a subscription." The farmer looks down, shuffles his feet, and says, "Shucks, if I had a load of corn cobs I wouldn't need no newspaper!"
Four reasons that Jesus is Irish:
1. He lived at home until He was 30
2. The night before He died He went out drinking with His friends
3. His mother thought He was God.
4. He thought His mother was a virgin.

God calls the Pope on the phone. "Your Excellency, I have good news and I have bad news. From now one there will only be one church, and one religion. The bad news is, I'm calling from Salt Lake City."
If a Palestinian and a Minnesotan get married what do they name the kid? Yassir Youbetcha!
Identical twins were born in Greece and given up for adoption. Ahmal was sent to a family in Saudi Arabia and Juan was sent to a family in Spain. 35 years later the twins found out about each other and decided to reunite in their home village in Greece.

When the people in the village found out about the upcoming reunion, they decided to have a celebration. Came the big day, and Juan was the first to arrive. There were hugs and kisses and tears shed on all sides. They waited and waited, but no Ahmal. Finally they decided to go home. After all:

They were identical twins and if you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

Q: What did the Minnesotan say to the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A: Hey man, nice tan!
Two guys are out walking their dogs. One has a German Shepherd and the other a Chihuahua. The first guy says, "Hey, how 'bout we stop in this bar for a nice cool drink?" The second guy says, "They won't let us in a bar with our dogs!" The first guy says, "Just watch this." He puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, grabs the dog's leash up close and walks in the bar. The bartender thinks it's a seeing eye dog and serves him a beer. The second guy shrugs and tries the same trick. No luck. The bartender hollers, "Hey! Get your dog outta here!" The second guy says, "This is a seeing eye dog!" The bartender laughs and says, "You're trying to tell me a Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog?" The second guy says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
One day Jesus sees a mob throwing stones at an adultress. He stops them and says, "Let the one without sin cast the first stone." Then a rock comes hurtling out of the crowd. Jesus says "Aw, Mom!"
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Where'd you get that?" The parrot says, "In France. They've got millions of them there."
Man walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender says "Hey, where'd you get that?" The frog says, "You know, it started out as a little bump on my butt."
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a rottweiler?
A: Jewelry
Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you throw a banjo in a dumpster & it doesn't hit the sides.
The little boy says to his dad, "When I grow up I want to be a musician." Dad says, "Sorry, son, you can't have it both ways!"