- Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the
ark; professionals built Titanic
- Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand
- Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
- Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand
- Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there
- There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year
- People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them
Benjamin Franklin said it first
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should be
changed regularly and for the same reason.
- Indecision is the key to flexibility
- In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday
- I wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it
- Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before
- My inferiority complex is not as good as yours
- Practice safe eating -- always use condiments
- I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
- Time keeps everything from happening at once.
Space keeps everything from happening to you.
- I love cats...they taste just like chicken
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- i souport publik edekasion
- Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
- My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
- Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now she's gone.
- "Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
- Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be
on the road an hour.
- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place.
- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
- What's another word for Thesaurus?
- If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
- I had amnesia once . . . or twice.
- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
- What are imitation rhinestones?
- If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
- Did you ever notice that whenever someone tastes something bad they
immediately want you to taste it?
- Is it possible to be totally partial?
- If a man writes a book about failing and it doesn't sell, is it a
- One good thing about old age: Insurance salesman stop bothering you.
- I wonder why they call it a 'TV set', if there is only one of it.
- The only good thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to
- Do cemetery workers have a graveyard shift?
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only
- Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
- Why do people who know the least, know it the loudest?
- If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights
- If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
- Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If a mime gets arrested, do they tell him he has the right to remain
- Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases? They're making
headlines all over the place.
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- What is it about being alone in a car that makes people want to pick
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
- A penny saved is ridiculous.
- All that glitters has a high refractive index.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Anarchy is better than no government at all.
- Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
- Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
- Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
- Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
- Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
- Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends.
- Entropy isn't what it used to be.
- Fairy tales: Horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
- God did not create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the
- Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.
- History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
- It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
- It works better if you plug it in.
- It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
- Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
- Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
- Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
- Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
- Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
- When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
- She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
- You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Pardon my driving; I am reloading.
- Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- If they find water on Mars that would be interesting. If they find beer
on Mars that would be REALLY interesting.
- You might be a redneck pilot if your aviation wardrobe includes spurs.
- It's now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.
- You know they invented wheelbarrows to teach FAA (or BATF) inspectors to
walk on their hind legs.
- Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed.
- If we are what we eat, then some pilots need to eat more chicken.
- Experience is the knowledge that enables you to recognize a mistake when
you make it again.
- Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five
- Four-time loser: The guy who went to Texas A & M, joined the Marines,
flew helicopters, and was hired by Braniff.
- An airplane may disappoint a good pilot but won't surprise him.
- You can always depend on twin engine aircraft. When the first engine
quits the second will surely fly you to the scene of an accident.
- It's not a leak, it's a seep.
- It's a good landing if you can get the doors open.
- It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. Start with a large one.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
- Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
- Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- Robin Hood was a terrorist.
- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
- Shake well before and after use.
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
- Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
- The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- Don't sweat petty things.... or pet sweaty things.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 42.7 percent of statistics are made up on the spot.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
- Don't be sexist -- broads hate that
- Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane
- It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the
- The problem with the gene pool is that there are no lifeguards
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere
- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees
- Never knock on Death's door, ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
- When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide
to play chess?
- If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys
- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
- Does the Little Mermaid wear an ALGEbra?
- How do I set my laser printer on stun?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
- If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Why is it called tourist season if you can't shoot them?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- What happens when none of your bees wax?
- Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
- There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt.
- Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an
aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
- The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant
atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tires.
- Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
- Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.
- Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
- Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
- Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
- My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
- The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
- One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
- If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
- Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and
too young to borrow the family car.
- Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen
to you the rest of the day!
- You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder
what else you can do while you're down there.
- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,
"Quit while you're ahead"?
- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on
- People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then
it dawned on me... they are cramming for their finals.
- Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case
of an emergency. I think you should write... A Good Doctor
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while
they delivered the mail?